Today I maintained a calm and peaceful mind for most of the time. Only two occasions after talking to Raph a fire of anger started rising inside of me. We actually had fine conversations. I don’t know why I would become angry and uncomfortable (as if I’m holding a pressure inside of me) after talking to Raph. Perhaps even just mere talking over the phone with him reminds me of so many things that I failed to do well last year. Torts, self-improvement, social networks, wasted time and energy, wasted money, fights …
Perhaps I still haven’t let go of the anger, regrets, blames (self-blame and the blame on Raph) and jealous. I’m still focusing on the past, on the path where I fell and things that I’ve lost, and I’m sill comparing the past with the present, comparing the dead possibilities from the past with the unpredictable situations now. I let myself stuck in those discouraging, negative and destructive thoughts. I guess Raph, with all the memories we had together, becomes the intriguer of those comparisons, thoughts and emotions. There are lots of unresolved issues and pains. But I made myself suffer by burdening my mind with those comparisons and contemplation of dead possibilities. While I constantly get a fire and burned inside out, I waste energy that could have been better invested in the present.
However I’m getting better. I only lost control after the first phone call, but tried to do nothing, stayed calm for a while after the second phone call. Gradually I did succeed in calming down and feeling better, feeling the fire inside me die down. It feels great. :)
I appreciate that today this happens. I appreciate that today I can deal better with my “fire” and with Raph. I appreciate today I learned something new from a friend. I appreciate that Nik invited me for a really cheap salsa dancing class for 8 weeks. I’m thankful that I had time to watch films and read books to which I’ve been looking forward. I’m thankful that I have the luxury to stay at home in a rainy day for the day. I’m thankful that … I’m content and happy. Time to sleep. :D